My book writing journey

Where did it all start and how did I manage to self-publish a book?

One of the photos days before announcing my big news on social media.

This is the story about how this book was made, how did I even come up with the idea to write a book or become an author. What the process doing that looked like. How it is to be a self-publisher who did everything she had to do in order to get her book printed and ready for market to sell.

May this be an inspiration for those who dream of making their own art piece, but don't really know where to start and what you have to do to make it come true.

The beginning of it all

First, I must say that at first I didn't have the intention to create a book, especially coming public with it. 

Back in the end of 2017/beginning of 2018 I had a really rough time. There were lots of changes happening in my life and no ways of coping with my stress and anxiety as I had before. Before that dark time I was a dancer, so it was the way for me to get everything (especially negative stuff) out of my system. But the beginning of 2018 took that away from me as I was going through physical challenges due to which I wasn't able to move my body anymore in the ways I did before.

This was the time I became a prisoner of my own mind, I distanced myself from every person who was dear to me, I became really lonely with my problems and became a whole new person I never though I would once become. 

Around that time, in February 2018 I started writing. Taking A4 papers and a pencil with me everywhere or having a separate notebook, where I could write down all my thoughts and feelings I was feeling. Now I see that it was also the first time in my life ever, where I opened up and spoke truly about the things that I really struggled with and what broke me and changed me forever. 

No matter how hard I try to be this person who I was once before – really open, all bubbly and talkative, I can't escape my past. I can just face it and accept that I'm someone else now, but still remember to let my inner child out every once in a while (every day 😄), this time just in a safe environment that I feel comfortable in sharing that part of myself.

So, fast forward to the beginning of summer in 2018, I had about 100+ pages written down about how I was feeling, trying to deal with my depression that I wasn't aware of. 

For some reason at that time I started reading those letters outloud to myself and I discovered that I'm really unwell. That this isn't something a happy person is writing. This is a cry for help from a kid, who doesn't know how to deal with things she's gone through and why she's changed to someone she doesn't recognize.

"Maybe I should backup my writings?"

In summer 2018 I had this idea to write all those texts to a computer file, so that if I lose the papers, I still have them on my laptop. And so I did. 

In autumn 2018, when I once again changed schools and got to surround myself with people in whom I found quickly trust, I started to heal. 

At that time I also started writing down the painful experiences I had gone through with a wish to figure out what had happened to me and why I became as I was at that time. It was my way of healing myself and really getting to know myself, face my traumas and find ways to cope with them. 

Today, I'm really glad I did it, because to this day it's something that helps me see those difficult situations in a different light when the emotions aren't that heightened anymore.

"I am going to write a book!"

At the end of 2018,  I was starting to get thoughts about – what if I actually wrote a book about my experiences. My inspiration came from all those people i was having chats with, opening up about my experiences and them telling me similar stories. It really opened my eyes – that there are so many young people going through the same things I was going through and I want to help them!

So, I started composing a book, at first it was 30 pages long, then 60 pages, then 80 I thought that this is it. No more writing. But something in me said that it's not enough, I have to improve it, add questions, make it more personal for every reader. And so I did. ☺️

I was working on it for so long, reading through it thousands of times (literally), asking for people's opinions, letting them read through it and give me feedback before I was going any further with it. I even let two of my teachers read it, as this also became a project for my high school's research job. 

Because I was at school and the money for publishing this book was something I've never had, I didn't have the opportunity to make it happen myself as fast as I had hoped for. 

So, I started contacting several publishing houses. Denial after denial, I still didn't give up. I knew that this is the sort of stuff that needs to get out to the world and that other young people and even their parents have to read to really see what's happening behind the closed doors of their teenagers' lives. 

"How can I publish the book?"

Moving on to 2020 or the end of 2019, I found a printing house that was willing to offer me help by self-publishing my book and sending the copies to the biggest book stores in Estonia. So, I did everything I could to get the right files to them to get the first try-out book. 

Oh boy was it hard to create a book's covers. I think I've never done anything as hard as that without any experience before. But I did it with the help of youtube and learning everything myself, as I didn't have the money to hire someone professional to do it for me. 😅

The creation of my book cover in Adobe Indesign. If you think those design programmes are hard or creating book cover with right measurements is hard enough, try doing it with slow, broken computer. 🥲

But before I was able to create a book cover, I asked my boyfriend to do a photoshoot with me for that.

To this day I'm not sure where this book title name came to my head - The Soulmirror. I guess I was just thinking that if I now let people see for who I am and what I've gone through and show them that they're not alone experiencing stuff like this, it's like opening up my soul to the whole world. 

On the shoot of the book cover at the end of 2019. Some random white sheet that was staying up with tucking it into chairs. Using some X and really bad lightning and a round mirror that my boyfriend's grandma had in her glass workshop.

So, to portray this title, I knew exactly what I wanted to be on my book cover. A hand reflection in the mirror that's asking for help basically. Or me telling that come with me, I'll open myself up, so that you can see you're not alone. It's sort of like a hand to help you, which I really needed when I was in the darkest place of my life, ever. 

The photo that came out with minimal edit to it - mainly just making it look smoother at the bottom (so removing a couple of creases) and making it brighter.

Saving up and ordering my first trial books

In January 2020, after spending lots of time on perfecting my book, hours of trying to figure out how the get the right book cover I needed, I was finally able to save up money to send it all to the printing house that was helping me a lot!

So, in January 2020 I got hands on my first ever book!! 😍

I got to see what needs changing, what needs improvements and what works as it is. But boy was it good to hold something like that in my hands! All the hard work, struggles and pain were now actually in my hands. This really made me happy and believe that everything is possible. That no matter how many rejections I got, I finally found the people who were willing to help me with making my dreams come true. 🥰

First ever printed "The Soulmirror" book. In January 2020 I got my driver's licence and drove to Tallinn to get my first patch of books from the printing house. After that I went out for lunch to take a closer look at it and just smiling, thinking that I'm so close now!

Backside of the first book.

"I'm soo close to publishing my first ever book!"

After that, COVID-19 happened and everything was put to hold. Well, not actually, it was put on hold as I was still in high school and didn't have the funding to order a bigger patch of my book with improvements I made on it.

So, when I finished high school in 2020 and went to work, I was starting to save up money to self-publish the improved version of the book with the help of that same printing house - Trükiviis. And after a couple of months, I finally had all the money saved up! 🤭

In December 2020 I picked up freshly made books. I ordered a couple of them to myself to give them away to people who helped me along the way or just hold onto them myself and the rest went straight to the book stores. It all cost me about 1500€ at that time. 

In December I also went live with my announcement on social media, gave some books to people who were mentioned there and got a lot of great feedback from it!

I know to this day that this book is really controversial and a lot of people probably won't agree with me, but what was most important to me and still is, is the second part of the book that's so honest it's sickening. 😅 The only reason I published this book was to comfort other younger peers. To let them know that they're not alone and encourage them to open up about their difficulties as we never know who we can help with that.

One of the first people who got my new book as a present. Two people who were mentioned in the end of my book – 7th Chapter: "For you".

Photo for Tele2 Eesti social media. At that time I was working there and it was also the job I owe the publishing to. That job helped me by giving me a great support system and the opportunity to save up and make this dream of mine, come true. I'm thankful that they reached out and offered to talk about this achievement of mine on their channels as well!

*Fun thing with the promotion - I haven't done that. I know that I should've had the goal to sell as many books as possible, but I took it as: "it will get to people who need it the most".

But I definitely will be forever proud of making this happen and promoting it quietly by selling e-book versions of this book (which you can find on my website 😄).

But to your knowledge - all the books got sold out that were in print version and they're still printing them on demand, so I guess it all worked out better I could've imagined.

One of the only photos I have of my book in book stores. Still feels surreal to have seen my book next to those big names and selling out in all of the stores the books went into! ❤️

This journey was a rollercoaster. Some really great moments along with really stressful ones and overthinking a lot. 😅

Now, after 5 years since I published my book and closer to 7 years when I started writing it, I would change up some things or the ways I talked about some of the things, but that's okay. 😄

I was a kid then, a young adult now and it's only natural that some of my views have changed and I think it's beautiful and I'm lucky because I get to see and remind myself where I come from and to be honest - this book still helps me to this day.

Soon I'll open up more about what it felt like reading this book several years later and if I have changed up my mind about something or what I would've changed in the book etc.

To end this post, I want to thank all of those, who helped me during the making of this book. The people who were hands on with it, who were encouraging me mentally and pushing me to go through with it. Even those, who didn't believe in me and tried to stop me or rejected me, it motivated me even more. ☺️

Thank you to everyone who has read it and given me feedback. Positive or negative, I really appreciate them both! People who have gotten emotional about this book and expressed to me how they recognized themselves in some situations and thanked me for opening up about it, helping them in some ways. I appreciate you all! Truly! ❤️

-The Soulmirror